Signs you’re dating a sociopath

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SOCIOPATHS are everywhere. They’re in the form of partners, bosses, parents and colleagues – but sadly they can be difficult to spot. My first hand experience with a sociopath was anything but pleasant. Torment, tears and abuse were a daily occurrence and the narcissist would stop at nothing.

I’d wake up in the morning feeling sick, lose my appetite regularly and become increasingly withdrawn. My friends and family could see what was happening as I slowly began to stop enjoying life. I’d went from chirpy and smiley to downtrodden and a nervous wreck. And yet I couldn’t seem to break free from the brainwasher who was destroying my life.

Eventually, when I started to click on to his manipulation tactics and controlling ways, it was as if a lightbulb went off in my head. After carrying out extensive research on sociopaths and poring over books and articles on the subject, tears would be streaming down my face when reality hit that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. With a sociopath. I no longer recognised the person I thought I was involved with and started to see how cold and cruel he could be. But that was just be beginning of the abuse.

I confronted the sociopath about it and he vehemently denied it for months. But one day he finally admitted it and said he enjoyed being one. The admission floored me. What kind of sick individual enjoys emotionally abusing people? Suddenly my anxiety turned to anger. I started to notice all the lies, the deceit and sneaky ways he had managed to worm his way back into my life time and time again. I vowed to never look back, but  after discovering there are more than 270 million sociopaths in the world, I thought it would be worthwhile highlighting the traits.

1. Charming and superficial

 

This may seem like a positive trait, but for the sociopath this is merely a facade they use to lure their victims in.When you first meet them, they will appear to be great listeners, caring and overtly interested in your life. They will pull out all the stops to get your attention, flatter you with praise and buy you gifts no-one else ever has. Something in your gut may tell you something is not right about this.

When I first started dating the sociopath, he would pull out chairs for me, walk me to my door, quote lines from films and tell me how special I was. I later learned that these are all common traits of sociopaths at the beginning stage, although I must state that being a gentleman in no way makes you a sociopath, it’s when these all begin to disintegrate that you will notice the dramatic change.

You may start to notice the facade drop and see a nastier side to them. His words will start to seem false and you won’t be able to put your finger on why you can’t trust him. He will say anything he thinks you want to hear just to get you to try and believe him. He will tell you how much integrity he has, what a moralistic individual he is. These, I’m afraid, are all lies. The sociopath has no remorse for anything let alone morals, and he will devalue and discard you once a more promising victim comes along.

 

2. Huge Ego

 

Confidence is an attractive trait, but the narcissist has an ego like no other. Every time you speak to them, the sociopath will brag about everything they’ve ever achieved and what it is that makes them so special. They will talk of big plans for the future, brag about how good in bed they apparently are and how attractive they are to the opposite sex.

They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman and wait for the praise to flood in. But if they are criticised or questioned about their claims? Boy oh boy they’re not going to be happy. Later down the line, once you click onto his sociopathic ways, you will discover how defensive they get when questioned about even the most minute details. And if you come to them with doubts what what the have said, expect silent treatment or projection. It is well known that the sociopath can turn any argument around, leaving you completely baffled, yet somehow grovelling to them.

 

3. Manipulators and Liars

 

Never believe a word the sociopath says, you can be sure that it’s a lie or exaggerated truth. And while most people feel guilty or uncomfortable telling a lie, the sociopath can do so without thinking. They are trained liars who know how to manipulate and twist everything. As I’ve said above, when caught in a lie, the sociopath will turn everything around so it’s somehow YOUR fault. This will leave you feeling confused, anxious and baffled.

They may also become angry and point out your shortcomings or bring up something you have done since the beginning of time. They will say to you, ‘”Well if you tell me the truth about this (something they want to know about you) then I’ll tell you the truth.” They will spend hours going over what they want to know, but when it’s your turn – expect a dead line on the phone.

When my sociopath told me he had cheated on me with someone else and I found out it was a lie made up for the sole purpose of making me jealous and hurting me, I asked him, still anguished, how he could have put me through everything for nothing. “That’s what happens when you don’t move away with me.” I was stunned. He was so cold and defiant about the whole thing. I’d been in agony for days and he showed no emotion. Looking back at photographs I can almost see the blankness and coldness in his eyes. It almost made me retch.

 

5. Has a false sense of entitlement

 

The sociopath thinks the world owes them and that everything should come for free. Whether it’s jobs, food, drinks or members of the opposite sex, they will live like a parasite.

Be warned: This person cannot handle rejection and will turn nasty and vicious if you don’t do what they say. When I broke up with my sociopath, they did everything in their power to make me feel low about myself; they told lies about women they had ‘slept with’ but never actually had; threatened to hurt me and repeatedly contacted me to tell me what they had achieved since they’d moved on.

 

6. Controls you

 

It will start off as subtle criticisms. “You can’t do that, I’ll do it for you.” To “God you can’t do anything yourself – look at the state of you!” After this begins to erode your self esteem, you will begin to believe that, no, you really can’t do anything right. Therefore you will start to believe you need to rely on that person.

Following this they will start to pick apart everything about you; your choice of friends, your clothing, your music taste, everything.

The sociopath will somehow manage to turn all your good qualities into bad ones in a bid to control who you see, what you do and, eventually, who you are.

If you are a hardworker and career-driven the sociopath will tell you that you’re a workhorse who is exploited by your boss. If you are artistic and enjoy socialising, they will criticise your work and tell you that your life is pathetic. If you are admired for being attractive to other men, they will tell you everyone else is only interested in you for your looks, not your personality like them. And yet in the same breath they will tell you how ugly your personality is. Everything they say becomes a contradiction.

 

7. Blamers

 

The sociopath is never at fault. Oh no – they are pure and perfect. No matter what they have done, no matter how bad, somehow it will be your fault. Don’t ever expect an apology off them, the only chance of this is when they are desperate to control your life again and rehearse a false apology to lure you back in.

Apart from that, if they cheat, it is your fault for not giving them enough attention. If they lie, it is your fault that they feel the need to ‘hide things.’ If you get angry at what they’ve done, you’re ‘crazy’ or ‘cuckoo’ which is a favourite phrase that they use to shame you into compliance. And if you don’t accept the blame – or if YOU don’t apologise to THEM – they will disappear without a trace leaving you anxious, upset and physically ill until you hear back from them again. And once you do, you will be so upset about the last treatment they put you through that you will be afraid to mention what they done again. And there you have it, the compliance they had planned for.

8. Abusive

 

Abuse comes in many forms, including emotional.  Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. During one of their mind games, they will torture and torment you to a point where you feel you are going mentally insane. When you begin to act on your emotions, they will mock you and show their family and friends texts or messages from you so they can say ‘look, look how crazy she is,’ all the while as he continues to give you demeaning responses and make you feel worthless. In other words, according to psychologist Diane England, “he knows what you value or like about yourself. So, to devastate you, those are the very things he pounces upon.

“When the verbally or emotionally abusive man attacks your strengths, it’s as if he has thrust a sword straight through to your inner core—and then skillfully removed that which makes you unique and special. And in doing so, he essentially negates who you are as a person. The abusive narcissist’s tactics kill your spirit and trample your soul.”

 

9. No empathy or remorse

 

One of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for his problems or problems he causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put himself in the role of victim.

If he does accept responsibility it is with the same amount of conviction as the person who finishes a letter with “your humble and obedient servant”. However his manner can indicate that he is genuinely serious and he can be deceptive enough to recreate the broken trust!

But closer questioning about what he is accepting responsibility for may show that not only is he not serious, but the idea is inconceivable to him. Nor is there shame, humiliation or regret. Not even for the most horrible things he may have done. He says “If Santayana is correct in saying that ‘perhaps the true dignity of man is his ability to despise himself,’ the psychopath is without a means to acquire true dignity.”

Another thing which may seem alarming about the sociopath is that they will never get upset over anything nor will they react to a tragedy. The only time they will show any form of emotion is when they are either angry or acting. If they don’t get what they want and their mind tricks don’t work, they may beg for your forgiveness or let a few fake tears flow.

 

10.  Isolating tactics
For example, when a narcissist tries to make their partner feel they are ‘crazy’ to cover their own guilt about something they want to hide. If they succeed in making their partner feel irrational and over-emotional, they may also lead other people in the family or community to believe their partner is unbalanced or ‘crazy’ too.

The narcissist may do this to gain sympathy while hiding his or her own bad behavior. Instead of admitting responsibility for his or her failings, the mental abuser will attempt to put the blame on someone else. He will make up lies about what you have done in order to make you look bad in front of other people and make them avoid you. He may even stir up lies during friendships and tell you that your family are against you. This is to try and isolate you so you have him and only him if something goes wrong. This is how he controls you. If you stay with the sociopath for a long time, don’t be surprised if you start suffering from depression, anxiety, or even post traumatic stress disorder.

Just like physical abuse, this form of psychological abuse erodes the person and can have an everlasting effect on you. Cut this person out of your life for good. Sociopaths are emotional vampires who will only continue to hurt and abuse you more over time. It never gets better, only worse.

Styletto Mag is a Scottish online magazine which publishes the latest articles on fashion, beauty, shopping and life. The site was founded by journalist Lisa Boyle in August 2011. Styletto Mag is a sleek, easy to access online magazine which features shopping trends, beauty reviews, funny features and women's lifestyle articles. COMING SOON : STYLETTO SHOP - Stay tuned for the Styletto store where you can purchase some amazing one-off vintage pieces, modern, on-trend clothing and accessories to ensure you're always sporting the most coveted items. STYLETTO PRINT EDITION - Soon to be Scotland's best selling magazine, Styletto will be your most glamorous new glossy for women's lifestyle, fashion updates, beauty lust haves and much more. To contribute or submit articles, send them to Lisa Boyle at editor.styletto@gmail.com.

1 Comment

  1. Sasha Cohen

    January 7, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    This is a great blog post. I have always had relationship issues and have started to follow the advice of Dr. Robi Ludwig. I saw her on a tv show once and I really appreciated her take on current dating issues. I found her YouTube channel and have really enjoyed her outlook on relationships. I have included her youtube channel so other people can see her videos: https://www.youtube.com/user/DrRobiLudwig

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